CrApple Launches iPhoney 5

A CrApple Fanatic proves his love for the company

 
Rotters: San Francisco

Consumers across the world went into a collective frenzy on Wednesday as CrApple announced the launch of its latest model in the iPhoney series, the iPhoney 5, at its annual conference.  CrApple Chief Executive Tim Crook told the audience that the new phone would "make the world a better place", to which they responded with wild cheers, hoots, and screams.  Some audience members were reported to have become so flustered by the announcement that they proceeded to discard their undergarments and begin hurling them on stage.

While the exact details surrounding the capabilities of the new device have not yet been released, one consumer electronics analyst, who wished to remain anonomous, said they believed "it will basically be exactly the same as the iPhoney 4, but more expensive".  The analyst continued, however, stating that "as the company's key customer demographic is insufferably narcissistic, image-conscious, and gullible, we don't expect the increased retail price to have much of a dampening effect."

Based on stock market value and the suicide rate of its manufacturing workers, CrApple is now the world's largest company, and possesses an almost mystical ability to control the behaviour of both their customers and the global media.  Rumours have long been circulating among key shareholders that the next logical business step for CrApple will be the launch of its own religion.  These rumours have met with ridicule inside the company, however, with one insider incredulously asking "are you mad?! we already have our own religion!  When Jobsy passed away we gained our own version of Jesus Christ, though I think Mr. Crook would prefer it if there were no resurrection."

Indeed, following their recent victory in a lawsuit against tech rivals SomeSong, CrApple are said to have initiated subsequent intellectual property lawsuits against Christianity and Judaism, citing their alleged copyright infringement in using an apple in the Adam and Eve fable.  Company lawyers are said to be confident of a swift and positive conclusion to the cases.