Rock Dispute Rocks China

Rotters: Beijing

Large-scale protests took place in cities across China this weekend as people vented their anger at the Japanese government's inflammatory move to purchase of a group of small rocks in the Pacific Ocean, miles from anywhere.   The rocks - named the Senkaku in Japan, and the Diaoyu Tai in China - are controlled by Japan but claimed by China.  The smallest of the 'islands' is a gigantic 0.0008 square kilometres, though it was recently reported missing after a particularly strong one-foot wave appeared to have washed it away.  Chinese Premier, Wen Jia Bao (pronounced 'whinge about'), stated in no uncertain terms that "these pebbles, I mean islands, are part of the sovereign territory of the Businessmen's Republic of China, and as such we deplore Japan's actions."

Chinese protestors attempt to break down Japanese Embassy gates

Japan and China have competing historical claims to the island, though some international legal experts believe that merely sailing past, or looking through binoculars at, a group of very small rocks in the ocean is insufficient proof of sovereignty, which poses a problem for both parties.  Instead there is a growing consensus, as well as a move underway in the United Nations, to settle the dispute by assigning the rocks to the government of the Netherlands.  As a Dutch diplomat - who wished to remain unidentified for fear of being refused service in his favourite Chinese and Japanese restaurants - explained, "when we surrendered Taiwan to the Ming Dynasty in 1662 one of the terms of our capitulation allowed us to remain in possession of the Senkaku / Diaoyu Tai, the official name of which was then, and still is, 'Utrecht-am-Zee'."

Meanwhile, mobs thronged the streets of Chinese cities from Shenzhen and Guangzhou in the south, to Harbin and Shenyang in the north.  Department stores, electronics factories, and car dealerships were set alight and some were looted.  The fact that some incidents occurred without any attempt on behalf of the police to intervene have embarrassed the Chinese government.  In a radical departure from its usual policy it has promised "to arrest those who, in future, are responsible for criminal acts."  It is unclear whether this policy will also apply to government officials.

In a sign that tensions are increasing to dangerous levels, a campaign has been launched by a group of Chinese nationalists calling themselves the 'Diaoyu Or Die' to recruit volunteer colonists to people the islands.  Spaces on the mission will be allocated on a first-come first-served basis and limited to a maximum of three people due to space constraints on the rocks.  So far no one has volunteered, with patriots citing various excuses for withholding their names, including 'prior commitments', 'an appointment to loot a Japanese department store', and 'expensive mobile phone roaming charges'.

CrApple Launches iPhoney 5

A CrApple Fanatic proves his love for the company

 
Rotters: San Francisco

Consumers across the world went into a collective frenzy on Wednesday as CrApple announced the launch of its latest model in the iPhoney series, the iPhoney 5, at its annual conference.  CrApple Chief Executive Tim Crook told the audience that the new phone would "make the world a better place", to which they responded with wild cheers, hoots, and screams.  Some audience members were reported to have become so flustered by the announcement that they proceeded to discard their undergarments and begin hurling them on stage.

While the exact details surrounding the capabilities of the new device have not yet been released, one consumer electronics analyst, who wished to remain anonomous, said they believed "it will basically be exactly the same as the iPhoney 4, but more expensive".  The analyst continued, however, stating that "as the company's key customer demographic is insufferably narcissistic, image-conscious, and gullible, we don't expect the increased retail price to have much of a dampening effect."

Based on stock market value and the suicide rate of its manufacturing workers, CrApple is now the world's largest company, and possesses an almost mystical ability to control the behaviour of both their customers and the global media.  Rumours have long been circulating among key shareholders that the next logical business step for CrApple will be the launch of its own religion.  These rumours have met with ridicule inside the company, however, with one insider incredulously asking "are you mad?! we already have our own religion!  When Jobsy passed away we gained our own version of Jesus Christ, though I think Mr. Crook would prefer it if there were no resurrection."

Indeed, following their recent victory in a lawsuit against tech rivals SomeSong, CrApple are said to have initiated subsequent intellectual property lawsuits against Christianity and Judaism, citing their alleged copyright infringement in using an apple in the Adam and Eve fable.  Company lawyers are said to be confident of a swift and positive conclusion to the cases.